every now and then I read a post on here and am grabbed by the collar by something so true to myself, something that puts a spotlight on something I struggle to say. I'm floored and I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you describe. It takes over everything. I don't know exactly how it changes but the fear has gotten better for me with time. one day at a time is all I know 🫂
this is one of my most favourite things I've ever read on here, so much so that this is my first time commenting on someone’s work. this sentence in partiular absolutely floored me "Even if I often leave the party throwing down various sentences I tossed out onto the dissection table, to cut them open and hold their organs up to the light. At least I said them, is the conclusion I come to at least some of the time. At least I say things now." I have nothing special to add except to thank you for capturing such ambiguous feelings so viscerally and I truly hope the mice will stay away.
quite emotional reading this and so honoured to be your first comment <3 thank you so so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, I’m glad this piece found its way to you
I know this feeling and the haunting ❤️ You write about it so beautifully and isn’t it something to write ‘beautifully’ about what makes us want to scream!! Sending you love❤️
i had a mouse problem at my last apartment and whenever i hear something at night, i still shoot up in my bed. sometimes i won't even hear anything but i'll still *think* i hear squeaking. when i moved into a new apartment, i got extremely paranoid about keeping the place mice-free, but then i accidentally bought some moldy strawberries and had a gnat infestation for weeks and it drove me insane. i know this essay isn't *really* about the mice (but also *is* about the mice) but you captured the feeling of that scream-in-the-middle-of-a-grocery-store-because-the-infestation-is-driving-you-insane-except-you-don't-actually-scream-because-everyone-would-look-at-you very well.
This is breathtaking and heart-wrenching. I am sorry something bad happened to you. Idk if you’ve seen the Lynn Ramsey movie Ratcatcher (she’s one of my fav directors, up there with Lynch and Kubrick imo); your haunting story of the mice and the men reminds me of that film. Maybe be careful if you watch it tho; the film covers dark subjects. As a fellow quiet ghost child, ppl would tell me I appeared bird like, which I’d often interpret as weak and fragile, bc birds bones break with barely a touch. I’d prefer being considered cat like. Something strange and bad happened to me last December; likewise it’s something I try not to talk about too much. But it’s kinda the reason I started reading Substack, bc I couldn’t stomach watching the 24/7 cycle of violence on the US news without getting ill. Afterwards ppl would tell me I’m strong for fighting back, for acting on survival instincts. But I know what you mean about not feeling strong sometimes. And yes when the angry men start coming at us online, it reminds me of past events. But I think you’re right that there’s strength in kindness, in being a good person with a gentle heart even when life can be shit. In spite of the bad things that have happened in the past, I do often feel very lucky that I found smart, funny, and tender hearted ppl like who can write like fire on substack. Thank you for sharing this poignant, gut wrenching piece full of the ephemeral beauty and tragedy of being alive.
i'm so sorry. you didn't do anything to deserve this. it's not your fault. any of it. the mice (& men) are the problem- not you.
i know it doesn't mean much but just want to let you know you're not alone. i really think only those who have been thru/are going thru something similar can truly understand... which excludes most ppl of doctors or therapists or those claiming to be "trauma informed."
sending a prayer that they disappear from your life and forever leave you alone <3
every now and then I read a post on here and am grabbed by the collar by something so true to myself, something that puts a spotlight on something I struggle to say. I'm floored and I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you describe. It takes over everything. I don't know exactly how it changes but the fear has gotten better for me with time. one day at a time is all I know 🫂
this is so so kind, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment ❤️
this is one of my most favourite things I've ever read on here, so much so that this is my first time commenting on someone’s work. this sentence in partiular absolutely floored me "Even if I often leave the party throwing down various sentences I tossed out onto the dissection table, to cut them open and hold their organs up to the light. At least I said them, is the conclusion I come to at least some of the time. At least I say things now." I have nothing special to add except to thank you for capturing such ambiguous feelings so viscerally and I truly hope the mice will stay away.
quite emotional reading this and so honoured to be your first comment <3 thank you so so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, I’m glad this piece found its way to you
SOOOOOOO FUCKING GOOOODDDDDDD I LOVE YOUR WRITING OH MY GOD
Truly wonderful.
I know this feeling and the haunting ❤️ You write about it so beautifully and isn’t it something to write ‘beautifully’ about what makes us want to scream!! Sending you love❤️
i had a mouse problem at my last apartment and whenever i hear something at night, i still shoot up in my bed. sometimes i won't even hear anything but i'll still *think* i hear squeaking. when i moved into a new apartment, i got extremely paranoid about keeping the place mice-free, but then i accidentally bought some moldy strawberries and had a gnat infestation for weeks and it drove me insane. i know this essay isn't *really* about the mice (but also *is* about the mice) but you captured the feeling of that scream-in-the-middle-of-a-grocery-store-because-the-infestation-is-driving-you-insane-except-you-don't-actually-scream-because-everyone-would-look-at-you very well.
This is breathtaking and heart-wrenching. I am sorry something bad happened to you. Idk if you’ve seen the Lynn Ramsey movie Ratcatcher (she’s one of my fav directors, up there with Lynch and Kubrick imo); your haunting story of the mice and the men reminds me of that film. Maybe be careful if you watch it tho; the film covers dark subjects. As a fellow quiet ghost child, ppl would tell me I appeared bird like, which I’d often interpret as weak and fragile, bc birds bones break with barely a touch. I’d prefer being considered cat like. Something strange and bad happened to me last December; likewise it’s something I try not to talk about too much. But it’s kinda the reason I started reading Substack, bc I couldn’t stomach watching the 24/7 cycle of violence on the US news without getting ill. Afterwards ppl would tell me I’m strong for fighting back, for acting on survival instincts. But I know what you mean about not feeling strong sometimes. And yes when the angry men start coming at us online, it reminds me of past events. But I think you’re right that there’s strength in kindness, in being a good person with a gentle heart even when life can be shit. In spite of the bad things that have happened in the past, I do often feel very lucky that I found smart, funny, and tender hearted ppl like who can write like fire on substack. Thank you for sharing this poignant, gut wrenching piece full of the ephemeral beauty and tragedy of being alive.
i'm so sorry. you didn't do anything to deserve this. it's not your fault. any of it. the mice (& men) are the problem- not you.
i know it doesn't mean much but just want to let you know you're not alone. i really think only those who have been thru/are going thru something similar can truly understand... which excludes most ppl of doctors or therapists or those claiming to be "trauma informed."
sending a prayer that they disappear from your life and forever leave you alone <3